Although Mother's Day is typically a day of celebration, for me it has not always been that way. I thought about how to write this post for months and months and to be honest I never had the courage to tell the story of my lengthy journey to being a mom before. I feel God prompting my heart to share our story, so here goes :)

Kris and I started "trying" to have a baby a few years ago. We had just moved into our first house and felt so ready to be parents. In June were excited to find out that we got pregnant almost right away. I remember telling Kris and seeing tears welling up in his eyes; we were going to be parents! After my doctor confirmed we were pregnant, we started all of the dreaming and planning that goes along with this news...what names we liked, how to decorate the nursery, buying unisex onesies, etc. A few weeks later I started to not feel well, and found out that I had lost our first baby. When my doctor shared the news with me I felt a loss and sadness that I had never felt before. It was so early but I already loved this baby more than my own life. I cried for a long time and prayed that God would heal my heart. He drew closer to me during this time than ever before in my life and gave me so much comfort. 

After a few weeks I was feeling better through His grace and my doctor said we could start trying again in a month or so. I got pregnant the first month that we tried; I was elated and knew that this was for sure our baby. I was about eight weeks pregnant when Kris and I went on vacation to Mexico for our anniversary. It was an amazing trip and we could not wait to get back to the US for our ultrasound to see our sweet baby. 

Kris met me at the doctor after work for our ultrasound. Nervousness and excitement set in as we waited for the tech to show us our baby. The tech asked me how far along I was. When I told her that we were 9 weeks along she started to tear up. Our baby was measuring only 6 weeks and had a heartbeat that was about 60 beats per minute. The doctor came in and explained that this was most likely not going to be a viable pregnancy and I would probably have to have a D&C. I ran out of the office and just sat in my car crying out to God and asking him why this was happening to us. I didn't understand. Unfortunately an ultrasound a few days later would confirm what my doctor thought. The procedure was quick and fairly painless but the hole it left in my heart was devastating. Kris was amazing. He took care of me, allowed me to cry when I needed to and of course made me laugh again. I had a hard time not crying my eyes out at every church service after our second loss (running to the bathroom so no one would see). I felt so empty and alone...miscarriage is such a personal and silent loss. 

My doctor said that we still had a great chance of having a successful pregnancy and that we could try again in a few months.  We got pregnant in March and then we saw something that we had never seen before, our baby's strong heartbeat at 6 weeks! We were ecstatic, but a few weeks later on Easter Sunday I ended up in the ER and found out that we lost our third baby. This time I was not only heartbroken but I was mad. I remember feeling so angry even with God. I didn't understand what I had done to "deserve" this. It would take me a long time to understand that this trial was shaping me to be the person The Lord called me to be and to gain a deeper understanding of who He is. 

I immediately sought out a doctor who specialized in recurrent pregnancy loss. After months of tests we found out that I was perfectly healthy and there was no reason why I was losing each pregnancy. It was assuring and hard to hear at the same time because I wanted to get a quick fix to make it all better. At the same time I was willing to try anything to have a successful pregnancy including months of accupuncture, going on a vegan diet, etc. Around Christmas time we got pregnant again and didn't tell anyone but our parents. Even under the care of our specialist we still didn't have a positive outcome. It was harder and harder each time. I was doing everything "right" and still had no success. My doctor told me it was bad luck and that we should keep trying. 

The turning point in our journey happened last year on Mother's Day. I almost didn't go to church because I didn't think that I could handle being childless again during the service. Kris told me that he felt I should go and that God had something for me to hear. Our pastor Tom gave a message that focused on Hannah, her struggle to have a baby and the victory that the Lord gave her in the birth of her son. I am convinced that God used Tom to give me the message that I would be a mom and that I needed to pray! I had been living in defeat instead of believing that God is my victory. This was the first thing in my life that I truly had no control over and I had to completely give it to God. Kris and I decided that we would both be praying asking Him for direction and that we would take some time off from "trying" to get pregnant. We even created a summer bucket list to just focus on each other and enjoy the summer. We had a blast trying new reataurants, going to the beach, etc. 

Well a few weeks later in July I found out that I was pregnant with Avery! Instead of stressing out about doing everything right I just trusted Him. It was amazing to see that when the Lord wanted us to have our baby it just worked so perfectly. We were surrounded by so many prayer warriors who prayed with us every day through my pregnancy.  

I learned that in His timing everything is perfect. I also believe that God had work to do in us before we could be Avery's parents and God used our time of waiting to create the most beautiful love between us that we could have ever imagined. I still think about my four angel babies every day and thank God that I am their mom. I know that God has adopted them and that Kris and I can be there to hold them when we get to heaven!! For all of the moms to be waiting for your baby please know that the Lord has something so special for you and that He loves you so much. You are not alone! 

So this Mother's Day has new and special meaning to me. Sweet baby girl Avery, your Daddy and I love you more than life itself. You are truly my gift from God and I love being your momma every day! 

Happy Mother's Day everyone! 

1 Samuel 1:27